my dad just came in while i was reading Debbie's blog. i just closed an advertisement window and he was asking: what were you looking at? in a suspicious tone. i said: i only closed an advertisement. he was still suspicious. i mean, it's like a bloody prison in here. manga, facebook, downloading songs, playing games and watching videos is illegal. basically the only thing that is ok is blogging. and when i'm looking at other people's blogs with long posts, my dad says: why can't you learn to write like that? and that's only on the computer. i can't borrow books(at any time whatsoever), watch TV or go on the computer during school days. the bitterness in my heart is spilling over onto the keyboard... why must you compare me to every single person who is even slightly better than me? and when i talk about people who are worse than me you say: don't lower yourself to the standards of trashy people. i wish i was a Jew in a concentration camp in Germany in the time of WWII.
sometimes i wonder if dying is like sleep. when i am sleeping, i'm dead to the world. no feelings, no thoughts, no dreams(except that one concerning the round bed with a 3km diameter and alien mercenary guerrillas but that was only once) ok... how to put it? no worries, anxieties, stress, negative feelings, postive feelings, cares. loving people is a burden that i want to get rid of. i wouldn't exist. that is the greatest freedom.